Lord Mandelbottom of Marrakech

From Corfu to No 10

2009-08-09T12:56:00.004+01:00

A Mushy Pea Shop - Greek Style

Darlings, wasn't it telling that Horrid Hattie disappeared mid-spout last week?

The scene is now set for my glorious return to the country. Never underestimate the power of Mandy.

Much as I like Corfu, I can't wait to be back in my kingdom. Corfu was a little too hot for my KY. It kept getting gunged up at the most inappropriate moments...

Much Love (to Hilary Armstrong)

Mandy

Forex Funding Update

2009-08-03T18:10:00.006+01:00

Beloved ones...

You will remember last week I mentioned I had become enamoured with the forex markets. So, how to make a pile of money without risk? The forex market is notoriously difficult to trade, so I thought that the best solution would be to use someone else's money.

I spoke to darling Geoffrey (Robinson), he of previous credit lines, but sadly things are a little tight for him at the moment. So, off to the Ivy with little Mervin King. Over squid and mushy peas, I persuaded him, via the Bank of England, to advance me a soft loan* of £10 million. That should get me up and running.

I have to say though, dear Mervin was most reluctant to stump up the lucre until I showed him the 'artistic' photos I had Photoshoped of him in compromising positions with various farm yard animals.

Did he really relieve that horse?

Good trading to you all.

Much Love (to all whom I have blackmailed over the years)

Mandy

*Never to be paid back

Mad Hatty Says Nothing Again

2009-08-02T09:51:00.004+01:00

Why do feminists all look like men?

Why, oh why, oh why do the BBC bother having fuck Harriet Fucking Harmon on the Marr show?

More time wasted with her mouth wobbling open and shut without any sense being spoken. It fair made my high protein breakfast cum back up, all over my paisley dressing gown. And she had a shiny suit on!

They should have had me on again...

The Fucking Telegraph!

2009-08-01T23:57:00.005+01:00

Two fat nosey fuckers!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

Why can't the fucking Telegraph keep it's nose out of my business? Mark my words, come the great day, I will shut fucking Barclay brothers down.

Fucking Harman oversteps the mark AGAIN!

2009-08-01T22:13:00.003+01:00

The mad bitch!

Darlings, I despair that one so inept should continue to harbour ambitions to the top office. Everyone with half a brain will be aware that Harriet Fucking Harmon has pretensions to be the next leader of the Labour party, but surely it can only be a matter of time before I stab her to death? Her latest wheeze is to claim that the top posts in the Labour party should be 50% female. Well I have news for you love. Over your dead body will you ever be my deputy.

Lets be clear about this. Mad Hatty has only got where she is today because of he family history. And before you ask, it is NOT the same as me following in the footsteps of my grandfather!

So, a little advice for Harry. Shut the fuck up and get back to being a pretend QC. That is all...

I have discovered forex trading

2009-08-01T13:18:00.004+01:00

The new Big Beast in Forex

Darlings, I have just discovered forex trading. What a wonderful and compelling pastime. So, when not plotting and sliming, you will find me at my Meta Trader screen building a retirement portfolio.

I am off to have lunch with the lovely Mervin King to get a few million to trade with. I hope he doesn't know that I planted all of those horrible stories about him being an incompetent cock. Failing that, I think Geoffrey Robinson might be able to help me out again.

I think it would be a great idea to get all of the unemployed trading forex. It would certainly help with those unhelpful unemployment figures

Much Love (to all of my new found forex friends)

Mandy

The ID Debate

2009-07-31T23:24:00.006+01:00

Darlings, Postman Pat this week said that the Decision to introduce ID cards was a 'no-brainer', and that "Cards will help combat identity fraud, enable holders to travel to Europe without their passports, and remove hassle of using bank statements or gas bills to show who you are".

Well, let me tell you, that is fucking bollocks. Just take a look at the list of data that he proposes to hold for every single card issued. When the day comes that Johnson decides to run for the leadership, just remember what the oily twat wanted to do for you, and vote for me instead.

Lord Mandy (for it is I)

Data Stored For Each Card Holder

1. Name

2. Other previous names or aliases;

3. Date and place of birth and, if the person has died, the date of death;

4. Address

5. Previous addresses in the United Kingdom and elsewhere;

6. Times of residency at different places in the United Kingdom or elsewhere;

7. Current residential status;

8. Residential statuses previously held;

9. Information about numbers allocated to the applicant for identification purposes and about the documents to whiich they relate;

10. Information about occasions on which recorded information in the Register has been provided to any person;

11. Information recorded in the Register on request.

12. Photograph

13. Fingerprints

14. “Other” biometrics (iris recognition);

15. Signature

16. Nationality;

17. Entitlement to remain in the United Kingdom; and

18. Where entitlement derives from a grant of leave to enter or remain in the United Kingdom, the terms and conditions of that leave.

19. National Identity Registration Number;

20. The number of any ID card that has been issued;

21 National Insurance number;

22. The number of any relevant immigration document;

23. The number of any United Kingdom passport (within the meaning of the Immigration Act 1971 (c. 77)) that has been issued;

24. The number of any passport issued by or on behalf of the authorities of a country or territory outside the United Kingdom or by or on behalf of an international organisation;

25. The number of any document that can be used (in some or all circumstances) instead of a passport;

26. The number of any identity card issued by the authorities of a country or territory outside the United Kingdom;

27. Any reference number allocated by the Secretary of State in connection with an application made for permission to enter or to remain in the United Kingdom;

28. The number of any work permit (within the meaning of the Immigration Act 1971);

29. Any driver number connected to a driving licence;

30 The number of any designated document which is held by the applicant that is a document the number of which does not fall within any of the preceding sub-paragraphs;

31. The date of expiry or period of validity of a document the number of which is recorded by virtue of this paragraph.

32. The date of every application for registration;

33. The date of every application for a modification of the contents of his entry;

34. The date of every application confirming the contents of his entry (with or without changes);

35. The reason for any omission from the information recorded in his entry;

36. Particulars (in addition to its number) of every ID card issued;

37. Whether each such card is in force and, if not, why not;

38. Particulars of every person who has countersigned an application for an ID card or a designated document;

39. Particulars of every notification given by the applicant for the purposes of regulations under section 13(1) (lost, stolen and damaged ID cards etc.);

40. Particulars of every requirement by the Secretary of State for the individual to surrender an ID card issued to the applicant.

41. The information provided in connection with every application to be entered in the Register, for a modification of the contents of entry in the Register or for the issue of an ID card;

42. Information provided in connection with every application confirming entry in the Register (with or without change;

43. Particulars of the steps taken, in connection with an application mentioned in paragraph (a) or (b) or otherwise, for identifying the applicant or for verifying the information provided in connection with the application;

44. Particulars of any other steps taken or information obtained (otherwise than in connection with an application mentioned in paragraph (a) or (b)) for ensuring that there is a complete, up-to-date and accurate entry about that individual in the Register;

45. Particulars of every notification given by that individual for the purposes of section 12.

46. A personal identification number to be used for facilitating the making of applications for information recorded in his entry, and for facilitating the provision of the information;

47. A password or other code to be used for that purpose or particulars of a method of generating such a password or code;

48. Questions and answers to be used for identifying a person seeking to make such an application or to apply for or to make a modification of that entry.

49. Particulars of every occasion on which information contained in the individual’s entry has been provided to a person;

50. Particulars of every person to whom such information has been provided on such an occasion;

51. Other particulars, in relation to each such occasion, of the provision of the information.

Thanks to the simply divine Muffled Vociferation for lifting the scales from my eyes.

Much Love (to all freedom lovers, but not ex-posty twats who claim they are not up to the job, but will do for it anyway)

Mandy

Brownhog Day? Really? I mean REALLY?

2009-07-26T16:44:00.004+01:00

So, here we go again, this time in the Sindy. The useless fucking spineless twats are crawling out from under their collective rocks again, trying to jump on the band waggon. My band wagon!

It is typical of the shower of shit that they try to restart leadership rumours after my perfectly engineered outcome in Norwich North. Every sane member knows what is going on, and who is engineering it. I have done all of the hard work, and I will take the glory. So, a word to the wise. Shut the fuck up until I tell you when to speak. Otherwise you will get my rather beautiful boot up your arses!

Get the message?

Ed Balls opening the door for me

2009-07-25T12:24:00.004+01:00

Darlings, the plotting season is in full swing. I met with little Eddie Ballbag this week to discuss the future leader of the party. Of course, the fat fuck would like to be king, so I encouraged him to start destroying other potential leaders.

This morning Ballbag lays into James 'I am straight' Purnell in the Telegraph to fire a warning shot across his traitorous bows. You will see little Eddie doing more of this over the summer...

Once he has laid waste to all credible candidates (as the fat fuck Gordy did in the run up to his(her?) corination), it will take a mere flick of the wrist for me to do the same to him. The boy has secrets...

Upshot: The Lord of Marrakech becomes the leader and saviour of the Labour party. I do love the summer recess.

The grinning dickhead

The Fabulous Obo The Clown Speaks...

2009-07-22T12:51:00.003+01:00

You know darlings, some days I have doubts about everything I have created. It is at times like these that I look to Obnoxio The Clown to reflect the thoughts of the man in the street. Today he is on top form.

Well done Mr Clown, but PLEASE, sort your teeth out. There's a good chap.

The gruesome fucker himself. Reminds me of Gordy

I have decided to go to SoHo...

2009-07-21T11:30:00.002+01:00

Darlings, you know how it is... Some days, you just want to let it all hang out. So, it is Rum, cum and buggery this afternoon.

Much Love (to all purveyors of KY Jelly)

Those dreadful poll figures

2009-07-19T12:21:00.003+01:00

Political Betting is reporting what appear to be appalling polling figures for the government.

YouGov is reporting the following returns CON 42% (+2) LAB 25% (+1) LD 18% (+1) whilst ComRes returns CON 38% (+2) LAB 23% (-2) LD 22% (+3)

My take? Well things are progressing just fine, thank you very much. Trust me darlings, the dark arts are alive and well, and firmly under my control. How do I do it? Easy! A quiet word in the ears of little Balls and Nancy Woodwood, and off they trot to form strategy that ultimately undermines the 'Son of the Manse'.

You see, dear Gordy's problem is a chronic inability to either make a decision or to admit to mistakes. So, poision is dripped into his ear until it becomes his idea. It then goes pear shaped, and then he denies there is anything wrong. Result? Gordy is further degraded, thereby guaranteeing defeat at the next general election, and ensuring my entry into Number 10.

Simples!

So, where have I been?

2009-07-19T12:13:00.002+01:00

Well, as regular readers might remember, when not running the country and saving dear Gordon from himself, I like to pop over to Marrakech for a little light relief to bum and to get bummed. I think I must have got carried away...

I will be posting shortly about what some might call the horrible polls. Not a bit of it...

Remember back in February, I made an announcement?

2009-07-19T11:33:00.004+01:00

... Well, step one is in place. The BBC have kindly reprinted my press release in full, although they used that fucking photo again!

Still, at least I don't look like this useless fuck.

Photo stolen from the simply charming Ranting Penguin.

Update: Almost forgot darlings, here is the link to the original post.

HenryG Manson is in need of a dark alley...

2009-03-01T15:46:00.002Z

Darlings...

As you all well know by now, I am generally a forgiving old soul, but this completely mad post by HenryG Manson is beyond the pail!

You will all accept that my brilliant idea to ~~get rid of the useless fucking cyclops~~ part privatise the Royal Mail is in the public interest, so to see me blamed for Labour's European election wipe out is outrageous. Everyone knows that the blame will rest on the shoulders of others.

Time to take Mr Manson down a dark alley (without the benefit of KY).

Much Love (to all the fucking twats who think they can prevent me to from taking my rightful place (in 10 Downing street, since you were wondering))

Mandy

Who the FUCK is fucking Shultz?

2009-02-18T20:42:00.003Z

Darlings...

Much as it hurts my ears, today I swore! There I was flitting around NY (there really are some dream boat youths over here), when I heard that some fat fucking lard ball had claimed that the UK economy was in a spiral.

Well, let me tell you, you fat incompetent fuckwit, worry about your own spiral. I understand that Starbucks is on the verge of collapse. And your Americano is vile. So fuck off and die!

We are doomed...

2009-02-14T19:59:00.003Z

Darlings...

Everything is falling into place beautifully. Tonight, Political Betting are reporting a truly devastating ComRes for Gorgon dear Gordon.

CONSERVATIVES 41% (-2)
LABOUR 25% (-3)
LIB DEMS 22% (+6)

Of course, Gordy is following my advice by refusing to accept any responsibility for anything. My aim is to have him paint himself as ~~unelectable~~ a towering figure looking down upon a grateful electorate. He then calls a June election and is destroyed in a fireball of public anger.

The door is then open for me to take over and mould the party in my own glorious image. Tony's revenge will then be complete.

Much Love (to Tony & Cherie)

Mandy

Draper to be sacked from LabourList...

2009-02-14T13:12:00.007Z

Darlings, there is a limit to all the sun, sand and sodomy I can take. And, believe me I can take a lot of all three. So, in order to give my ring time to recover, I have been using my splendid iPhone to keep tabs on the development of little Derek's ~~personal diary~~ Labour-centric offering.

I have to say that I am horrified by his shrill demands and claims of righteousness. Honestly, all those nights we spent together in my bedroom teaching him about how to please have done nothing for his popularity.

I have already been on to ~~Gorgon~~ Darling Gordon and ~~instructed him~~ suggested to him that the drunken gob shite has to be removed as editor of Labour~~Pissed~~List.

I predict that the cuckold will be sacked by Friday.

Much Love (to purveyors of KY Jelly)

Mandy

I am getting fucked...

2009-02-14T12:33:00.004Z

Darlings...

Much as I would love to help out Dolly Draper with his righteous fight against the dark forces of Dale and Fawkes, I am otherwise engaged with a series our charming and phenomenally well endowed Moroccan youths.

Must go, tagine and buggery await...

Much Love (to Karim, Ahmed, Ilias and the boys)

Mandy

Derek Draper MUST apologies now...

2009-02-08T22:28:00.004Z

Darlings....

As a new week dawns, it really is time for darling Dolly to stop drinking. It is the only way I can see him preventing more of this.

Much Love (to HP Bulmer, Diagio et al)

Mandy

Jacqui Smith is getting her just deserts...

2009-02-08T09:10:00.007Z

NOW WITH CORRECT PHOTO (Thanks to Mr/Mrs Anonymous)

Darlings...

Every time I look at Jacqui Smith across the Cabinet table, I can't help but wonder as to how on earth she got there. It always strikes me that she is a rather tasteless and talentless Prole. This has been confirmed today in this story in the Mail on Sunday.

Now, apart from the fact that she has been well and truly banged to rights for claiming £500 per day for living at her (better looking) sister's house, what really struck me is just how ugly the house is. And this really is why Jacqui Smith is not fit to be Home Secretary. She has no taste...

Who in their right mind would live in a house as ugly as that? Who in their right mind would wear the clothes that Jacqui wears? Doubtless the nation agrees with me...

Resign Jacqui for the sake of our eyes.

Much Love (to anyone who would like to furnish me with a few rather beautiful suits)

Mandy

Derek Draper is a hopeless fucking moron...

2009-02-07T22:43:00.005Z

Darlings...

You will all know that I am a tolerant old soul. How else would you explain my recent visit to India to bail out the rather beautiful, but blank firing Millipede?

But... There is a LIMIT! I know that darling Dolly (the ugly, gormless cuckold, above right) is trying his best with the Labour~~pist~~list project, but as you will see from the many despairing comments, the fucking hopeless moron is busily undoing all my good work. Anyone would think he is back on the vino (has Kate broken the news to you yet Derek?).

So, for that sake of the Labour party (and my future premiership), PLEASE call him on 07813 137 130 and ask him to stop being a fixated twat.

Much Love (particularly to my young Brazilain friends)

Mandy

Clarkson gets it right...

2009-02-07T07:12:00.003Z

Just because it is true, doesn't make it true...

Darlings...

I am sure you will agree with me that Clarkson is a moronic idiot who should know better than to insult the country in the way that he did. To insult dear Gordon is to insult every man jack of us, ~~because we all voted for him~~ because he is so well loved!

Taken in isolation, it could be argued that each element of Clarkson's vile diatribe true. For example:

Scottish = True

One eyed = True

Liar = True (Trust me on this. I wrote most of them)

Taken together however, even if everything gobby has said is true, it does not amount to the truth.

Gordy is the best leader this this country has never elected (until I take over and rule via the House of Lords) and you should all be jolly pleased that the one eyed Scottish liar has come down here to rule over you!

Much Love

Mandy

I have no clue what I am talking about...

2009-02-05T21:13:00.003Z

Darlings...

The BBC are carrying a story in which I say that the UK must not "retreat into economic protectionism". Let me let you into a little secret...

I have no clue what I am talking about! I have never run a business (or any other organisation where I have been accountable for my actions, for that matter). In fact, prior to becoming an MP, my greatest achievement was being a television producer with London Weekend Television.

How times change. All I have to do is stand up at the dispatch box or summon some retched BBC oik, and my word is instantly transmitted to the ~~four corners of my empire~~ world. The power of Mandy knows no bounds.

Much Love

Mandy

PS this little secret is just between the two of us...

I hate the fucking Proles...

2009-02-04T20:47:00.004Z

Darlings...

I am not happy! After all I have personally done to improve the lives of all hard working british labourers (and other manual operatives), I am sickened by the ungratefulness of the those ugly, fat, ill-dressed excuses of workers that have been hogging the headlines this past week.

Don't they know how much we all hate them for disrupting coverage of the very important and lovely snow?

Fuck them all. Literally!

Much Love (to my friends at Total and other suffering big businesses that might in the future need a very well connected friend)

Mandy

John Humphrys should kill himself...

2009-02-02T19:53:00.005Z

Darlings...

I am sure you will agree with me on two simple issues.

1. John Humphrys is an evil, angry (and obviously jealous) little man

2. I comprehensively destroyed him this morning on R4 with my superior debating skills and dress sense

Much Love

Mandy

I have just been on the phone to Jack Straw...

2009-02-01T20:44:00.003Z

Imagine my horror upon reading this...

Clearly this cannot stand. Having just spoken to Jack (reminding him of the prospect of his energy based friends letting the cat out of the bag), he wishes me to make it clear that he has been misquoted.

What he actually meant to say was that after some long and meaningless public consultation with stake holders, interested parties and those working at the coal face etc etc etc, it will be business as usual.

Phew... The boys in Marrakech can rest easy.

Much love to my brother Lords (you can thank me via the usual Swiss channels)

Mandy
xx

The Next Prime Minister

2009-02-01T19:10:00.000Z

As I was swizzing around the internet last night (keeping a tab on our fabulous command and control based marketing offensive), I came across a hilarious piece by the lovely Matthew D'Ancona. Following on from the audience I granted him in my office last week, little Matty seems to have misunderstood the point I was trying to drill into him...

In a totally off the record briefing, I happened to mention that after the upcoming, and surely disastrous European elections, it is my intention to renounce my peerage, become a man of the people again, and take over the leadership of my beloved party, thereby ensuring an historic fourth Labour term.

How little Matty could have so gravely misunderstood me is a mystery, but you can read his totally wrong and foolish outpouring here.

I only hope he knows on which side his bread is buttered. Remember little George Matty...

Here I am at last

2009-02-01T18:45:00.005Z

Hello darlings...

Following my historic article over at dear Dolly's place, I thought it was about time that I committed to a real and substantial two way dialog with all of you, my ~~faithful servants~~ online friends.

So, here I am. Stick around, because there will be some ~~horrific back stabbing~~ great little tidbits that to share with you.

Watch for my next post. There will be a great announcement (if you intelligent enough to read between the lines).

Much Love

Mandy